Change

2011 was a year of change. Got a new house, the daughter started driving and I became acutely aware of the ability of humans to be cruel, especially to animals. I'm still reeling from it all. Getting a nice new house was great, but change is hard, even when the change is "good".

Have been to my blog just once in a long long time. Apologies to my blogging friends....especially Big Fat Delicious, A Diary of a Mom, and Good Cats at It's all Good...for being absent and not visiting your blogs. I will visit today, but most likely will not comment...no energy. Sorry:(

I'll be back when I become more adjusted.

Much love,
Kat

THERE.IT.IS.AGAIN

Is anybody else going to be glad when tomorrow comes?!


This Google tribute to Martha Graham has about made me schizophrenic. I like the ones you can CHOOSE to animate, but this one....AHHHHHHHH! I've been shielding my eyes like you do when you're driving into the sun.....when I remember.

But I forget and...can barely say it...THERE.IT.IS.AGAIN.

"Please stop dancing. Please, please, please stop dancing," she says with a flinch and a twitch in one eye.

Unwanted

Not sure why, but this pic made me just sit at my PC and bawl. Seen LOTS worse images lately. Lots worse. But this one just got to me.

Been reading about the plight of unwanted dogs, cats and other animals. What some of these animals go through is enough to make me physically ill. Makes me ashamed to be part of the human race. Makes me hate this world more than I already did. Be glad when this trip is over. I do not like it here on good old Planet Earth.

A Busy April

Whew. Never thought any month could wear me out like the month of December does, but April 2011 has it beat. Busiest April I've ever had in my entire 50 years on the planet. I'm pooped! Sorry for being MIA on my favorite blogs. Been reading when I can. Looking forward to things getting back to normal!

Doors

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

But God, there are so many doors. I finally find the one I'm looking for and throw my body against it. Oh, God. Let it be true. Let it be true. I unfurl my fists and place my hot palms against the door. As I roll my head to the side, slowly transferring pressure from my forehead to my cheek, I ask myself, "Do I really want to do this? Am I ready? Will the door really open?"

It only takes a second for me to decide. Leaving my cheek against the door, I curl my right hand into a fist and knock. Without waiting for an answer, I curl my left hand into a fist and hit the door so hard my skin goes numb for a moment. Then I begin to bang with both fists. Pounding and pounding. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!" Tears begin to roll down my cheeks and tight sobs barely clear my throat. Then it happens.

The door opens. I fall forward and stumble...right into His arms. I begin to cry out, "Please heal my little girl. Please heal her"...over and over, then..."Please take away her pain. Please take away OUR pain." Then from a distance I see it...like a movie. He gathers us...the husband, the daughter and me...into his arms. He holds us close, like infants.

I continue to cry out to Him, "Please take away our pain. Please take away our pain. We've hurt so much. She's been through so much. You've seen her tears. You saw her march up to her room to pray that day. She was so little....maybe 7 or 8. You heard her fierce little prayer...asking you to heal her. I could hear her too and all I could do was cry. God, please take away this pain."

Fade out. Suddenly I'm before another door. I know what's behind it. I know what I'm asking for and I'm afraid. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Do I have the faith for this? No. But my mother's heart makes me do it. I begin again. Pounding as hard as I can and screaming, "Let me in! Let me in!" The door flies open and it's as dark as a cave. I see nothing.

"God, where are they? I don't see them". My stomach sinks. Oh, no. I wasn't ready. They aren't here. Deep sigh. It's just as well. I wouldn't know what to do with them if I found them. I'm just a mom. Not a doctor. Not God. So what if I found a room filled with beautiful, perfectly normal CF genes. What would I do? Carry them box by box to her room? Tear off the tape and show them to her? Look honey, new CF genes. They're yours. See, He Sharpied your name on the boxes and everything. Aren't they beautiful?"

But God, I knocked. The door opened. Please tell me it's time. We've waited so long. We've asked and we've believed....for 14 years. I know it's not like waiting 25 years, but 14 yrs. is a long time. What do I do God? It's just darkness. I see nothing in here. Where ARE they? Tell me what to do. You own the cattle on a thousand hills. You smile and universes are created. What are a few CF genes to you? Nothing. All the sudden I see something. Was it a ghost? It looked like a small mist or a fog racing past me. Then nothing.

I continue to pray. I pray for long time. I cry. Remembering all the pain. Hers and ours. It's hard. Hard to have pain for so many years. To grieve for our only child's death before she's even dead. To feel a faint but constant fear 24/7. The dread of knowing with each passing day you draw closer, closer to the time you have to hold her hand and tell her goodbye. Watch her drift off into eternity.

I sob. It shouldn't be so. I get up off my bed, walk over to the computer and write. Maybe it will make me feel better. To get it out.

Am I crazy to believe? To believe God will heal her? Maybe. But I do believe it. Some would say it's denial, not faith. So what. What if it is? Don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes. Why wouldn't I want a miracle? That's all the hope I've got unless they find a cure. I won't deny her medical care. I won't sugarcoat anything. But with a dogged faith, I will believe and keep on believing in miracles until the day she dies. And I will keep pounding on Heaven's doors. Pounding and pounding. Until my fists are bloody. For her. For us.

1"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

Tizzy is the Word

Weird week. Dealing with extended family stressors. BP has been high. Lots of anxiety over BP being high. New crazy med made me totally wacky one day...bad wacky, not cute wacky. Made a drastic change in my diet. Going back to healthy food....organic, whole foods, wheatgrass and all that....which is a good thing, but my body is freaking out(so is my wallet).

Tizzy is the word. I'm simply in a tizzy. Despite that, I'm kinda happy today. Temps are perfect. Wind is blowing. Going to hear the daughter play in her youth symphony tonight. Get to spend a couple of hours alone with the husband beforehand. As usual, the old AS/ADD head is swimming, but I'm holding it together, and that's good. Really good. Maybe this coming week is going to be better.

Image from Crazy Cat Face Cartoons

She Needs a Blog!

Recent Facebook post from one of my dear old childhood friends:

"So it seems that our neighbors' beat-up, half dead rooster (he got in a fight with a tom turkey) wandered into our pasture. When the cows saw it and went to investigate, they circled around it, sniffed it, then when it moved or jumped, they ran screaming to the top of the hill, waited awhile, then returned and repeated. All day. Farm life just doesn't get much more exciting than that....."

My friend lives on a small farm and is a natural storyteller. She's a real character and has always made me laugh. She's not just good at telling stories about her farm and grandkids, she's good at telling jokes too. When we were teenagers, she once got on a roll and told about a hundred in a row. Not kidding. She had my stomach hurting. Her FB posts always give me a chuckle and leave me wanting more. She needs a blog! Keep trying to get her to do one. If I ever succeed, I'll let you know where to find her!

Little Words

I changed the little words under my blog title. The words I had made this blog sound all warm and cozy....made images of sweet ladies in rocking chairs, covered in hand stitched blankets, holding kittens and drinking hot chocolate pop into my mind. It IS a rather mild blog compared to some I've done, but it isn't about socks OR chocolate or anything particularly warm and cozy. It's kinda like the show Seinfeld. It's a blog about nothing.

It started as an exercise in self-discipline. I challenged myself to post for 365 consecutive days....and I did. After 365 days, I was attached to the blog and didn't want to bury it. I've held funeral services for more than my fair share of blogs. No. I decided it wasn't right to shut it down. BUT, I have decided it needs an update and I am starting with the little words under the title.

I was afraid the title and little words underneath were misleading. Made it sound like a blog about knitting, embroidery, recipes and household tips. Or I thought it sounded like a feel good blog full of warmth and wisdom. I wish. I'm not nearly so talented as to pull off any of that. I just didn't want anybody to be let down after they saw the little words. So, today I changed them. I don't know. Not sure I'll keep them. I'm just experimenting.

About not wanting my blog to seem like it's all warm and fuzzy, please don't get me wrong. If you could look through my window you would often find me covered in an old hand stitched blanket holding a kitty or a dog. I like warm, cozy, kittens, fires in fireplaces, and hot chocolate. A lot. I just don't want anybody to get the idea that this blog is only about sugar and spice and everything nice. Cause it isn't.

It isn't about anything really. It's simply a place I come to check in on my blogging friends(I don't do readers). A place I come to write a little. Hang out. Kill some time. Ponder. Sit and stare. It's a sort of anchor. A place I know will be there. Guess it's kinda like my online home. Hum, maybe it IS more than just a boring blog. Sigh. I don't know. Might have to change my little words again.

Milestones

My baby just got her Learner's Permit.....:D :'( :| :)

Six Weeks and Counting

Six weeks and counting. I'm talking about my teeth...and pain. The extraction site FINALLY quit hurting a few days ago when a small hole in it completely closed up. Not sure why it took so long to heal. Maybe because I have diabetes? Until the hole closed I had pain. Pain that ranged from a level 5 to an 8. Enough pain that I've been taking 800mg of Ibuprofen every 4 to 6 hours for almost six weeks.

It's been a nightmare. And it isn't over. Due to the change in my bite and my nighttime tooth grinding, I now have a newly cracked tooth and an old cracked tooth that are acting up. For two weeks the newly cracked tooth hurt almost as badly as the abscess did, but the dentist said I didn't need a root canal in either tooth. He finally made a significant adjustment in my bite and then told me that like a sprained ankle, it would take time for the teeth to quit hurting. He suggested a night guard. That I can remember he has never mentioned a night guard, despite the fact that he knew the molar he extracted was cracked right down the middle....from tooth grinding. I didn't know I had bruxism. Would have been nice to know this little tidbit a few YEARS ago instead of last Thursday.

Anyhow, the ongoing pain is wearing me down. I have cried more in the last six weeks than I've cried in the last two or three years put together. And I'm so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I just want it to stop. To end. Hopefully I will be able to find a new dentist I can trust and be comfortable with. I'm actively looking for one. I dislike change, but I don't think I have a choice on this one.

Ouch

Tooth abscess + tooth extraction = OUCH! Lost all of last week to a tooth abscess. At times the pain was so bad that I couldn't see. I mean, I could see, but nothing registered with my brain. 800mg of ibuprofen + prescription pain meds only knocked it out for three hours at a time. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Thank goodness I had only three days of that kind of pain.

Not sure why my dentist couldn't see me sooner. I was a bit bugged about that. Might be time to change dentists? Or maybe I just need to be more assertive. Not worry so much about sounding like a whiner. I don't know. Thing is, I've seen this dentist for twenty years. He got me over my fear of dentists for which I'm very grateful. He's a brilliant man and very kind. Plus, I tend to be your loyal sort. Hate change.

Anyhow, the swelling is gone and I've got my lovely long swan neck back. Kidding. In my dreams. Never had any neck to speak of. It vanished completely(on one side) with all the swelling. At least I no longer look like a chipmunk!

The Whisper

Death. It's whispered my name a hundred times. Be it trying to woo me into succumbing or be it wooing those I love. It's seductive, death. It makes all kinds of promises. I'll make your pain go away. I'll take you away to paradise. You won't have to deal with anymore rejection or pain or problems. Here, let me help you. I'm not fickle. I'LL be there for you. Like a diamond, I'm forever. Trust me.

I've never known life without death. Since I was a small child my momma wanted to die. Just this past week I had to make her promise not to take her own life. It's not the first time. It won't be the last. My sister wanted to die once. And a best friend. My dad DID take his own life when I was 20 years old. Another loved one has succumbed. A week ago tomorrow my sister-in-law took her own life. I'm raw and exhausted. I wish death would just leave me alone. At least the kind that makes people walk out on life.

My sister-in-law left behind two children...a 13 yr. old girl and a 15 yr. old boy. I know exactly what they are going through. It's a nightmare. To have a parent choose to leave you in the most horrid of ways. To have a parent set that kind of example for you. They are walking through a very dark time. And it will probably be dark for years to come. I hope they will talk. Talk it out. Let somebody help them. If they don't, I'm afraid the whisper will begin for them.